Sleep

May. 1st, 2001 02:01 pm
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[personal profile] bextraordinary
Sometimes.. I just get /tired/. I just get sick of trying and failing, trying and failing at EVERYTHING. So sick of attempting to do something that I think should be easy, and once again.. receiving a failing mark, a rejection, something else to discourage me. It gets so hard to keep your hopes up when you have no reason to. Sometimes, I think it would be better if I just.. stopped trying. Stopped trying to make my life what I want it to be and just let it all go. Like being in a kayak in whitewater rapids and deciding it's too hard to try and steer.. to just let myself fly off the edge of the waterfall. And no, I won't tell my parents about all the bad grades I get. Because then I lose things I like. And I'd rather have those things than help my grades, frankly, because I just don't care anymore. I'm too tired.

I have terrible cramps.. I never get cramps. My period was a whole week late - a whole week of being paranoid, expecting it to show up in the middle of a class or something equally as embarrassing..

You know what makes me mad? All that shit about not being able to find another date, and now he has one.. all of this nonsense and hatred and unhappiness for fuck all.

At least we have Friday off school.. it's the middle of Chem and I'm almost crying. I don't know what to do anymore! I just.. have no idea. I've never been like this, never gotten such terrible grades.. nothing.

And when nobody helps you.. ugh. I just want to cry and cry.. until I can't possible care anymore. I want.

I'm trying out for a solo tonight. It's horrible when you already know who'll get it, yet still feel compelled to try.. and fail. Try and fail. Something occured to me last night - I wonder what would happen if I became anorexic. I wonder who would care, and what would happen. Maybe I could succeed at losing weight. Can't fail that, all you have to do is stop eating. Maybe it feels better and doesn't hurt as much.

It's really cold up here.. I'm shivering. In French I was burning up, it was so hot in the room. In History today, we had to compare our calorie counts. One guy had over 4000 calories. Isn't that gross? I had 1020, pretty close to what the other girls in my class had. All the guys had over 2000.

I started driving... possibly another thing for me to fail at. The guy is mean.. I guess he expects me to know how to drive, even though I had never, ever driven before. I'd never even fully sat in the drivers seat - I mean, what the hell? How am I supposed to know? When I got in the car, I said "I've never driven before". His response? "Oh, so now you tell me". Jackass. What the hell crawled up his butt and died? I heard his life story as I was driving. Snore. And he makes me put my elbow on the console - My arms aren't that long! Every time I moved it off the console, he grabbed it and put it on again. He ticks me off.

Songs I really like right now:
Bad Habit - The Offspring
American Psycho - Treble Chargers
Big Girl - Angela Ammons
Jaded - Aerosmith?

I'm a big girl.. I'm a very good girl.. and you don't have to worry about me this time, trust me I'll be fine..

It's how I feel right now, around my parents. I just wish they'd go away half the time.

Hey yeah, did you ever think of letting go, and hey, yeah, before I lose my mind?

Now I know how far you'd go, to be the next freak show, American Psycho, cover of the magazines, patron saint to troubled teens, wish I never knew your name...

Ja-ded, and I'm the one who jaded you..

I miss Australia terribly. Everything was so much nicer there, I was so happy.. so much happier than I am here. I just want to go home. I just want to get off the plane at Sydney airport and feel the blast of warm air hit my face, the smell of seawater, clear skies, the smell of all the trees and plants, all the people, the happiness I feel when I know I finally belong. Compared to here.. stepping off the plane, bundled in a winter jacket, looking at strange face who don't know or care about me, the smell of smog, car tires, burned rubber, the homeless people, cigarette smoke, the cacophonous noise. Studying instead of taking rides on the harbor, and feeling the cool water spray up.. Staying indoors instead of walking with Kath, learning from her knowledge of all the edible plants on our route, chewing lemongrass and eating the sourplums, honeysuckle, stopping in Eaglemont to buy Timtams. The feel of the sun warming my back.. here, the feel of stares on my back. Even if people aren't looking, I feel their eyes.

I am so tired.. somebody, put me to sleep.

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bextraordinary

May 2001

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