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[personal profile] bextraordinary
Shame, Matchbox 20:

What we learned here is love tastes bitter when it's gone
Past yourself forget the light, things look dirty when it's on
Funny how it comes to pass, that all the good slips away
And there's no one around you can remember being good to you

(chorus 1)
Shame, shouldn't try you, couldn't step by you
and open up more
Shame, Shame, Shame

What we lost here is something better left alone
Second steps have been forgotten, will you tell me how they go
Set yourself, situate, like a fool try again
There's no one around you can remember being good, for you

(chorus 2)
Shame, shouldn't try you, couldn't step by you
And open up more
Shame, shame, shame
Shame, shouldn't try you, couldn't step by you
and open up more
Shame, shame, shame

We never thought we'd get so troubled
We could never think that much
It should never get this bad

So let the wind blow ya, across a big floor
But there's no one around who can tell us what we're here for
Funny in a certain light, how we all look the same
And there's no one in life you can remember ever stood,
for you, so

(chorus 2)

As I said, bugger me. Fear is our only inhibitor. Fear stops us from doing things we /damn/well/wanted/to/fricking/DO!

And all the flipping time, I said I wasn't afraid of dieing! And I am! I am so, so, so scared! I'm so scared that it has my hiding in the corners, trembling and pushing back on the closing darkness! HIding from the INEVITABLE! Because we're all going to die. Whether it's in a car, because some drunk bastard plows into you, or because of a cancer that eats away at your FUTURE.

And I told him I wasn't afraid of death. I argued with him, like I always did. "How can you be so silly?" said I. "How can you fear death? It's so simple and easy". And then I LOST his friendship because I was too afraid to die. Too afraid to take a chance when my stomach said no. Too afraid to trust him.

And yeah.. I have a heart. I have a damn good heart. That's not going anywhere because I never learned to share. And NOBODY is ever, ever getting a piece of it.. "All for me, none for you", Angelica might say. I need my heart. I need it more than anyone else. And to the victor go the spoils. If you want this, you'll have to fight me for it. And trust me, it's not worth the trouble.

Sorry this doesn't make any sense.. I'm spread thinner than possible right now, and this is just a little rip in the surface as I begin to tear apart. Just you wait.. It'll all come out in the wash. And maybe, by the end, I can do it all over. And Cameron would never die, and my parents wouldn't impress this fear into me, and I'd be free to take risks and die happy. Instead of death before life. Dying before I've lived, at all.


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May 2001

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