bextraordinary

Wonder who you're thinking of now
What you're planning for, wishing for
If I never talk to you, how,
How will I stand to be ignored?

Wonder who you're talking to now
What you're telling her, charming her
If I never see you, how,
How can I compete with her?

Wonder if you're singing praise now
What you're praying for, fasting for
God knows I'd give it all, now
Give it all to be just like before.



Ignore my random ramblings.

Shame, Matchbox 20:

What we learned here is love tastes bitter when it's gone
Past yourself forget the light, things look dirty when it's on
Funny how it comes to pass, that all the good slips away
And there's no one around you can remember being good to you

(chorus 1)
Shame, shouldn't try you, couldn't step by you
and open up more
Shame, Shame, Shame

What we lost here is something better left alone
Second steps have been forgotten, will you tell me how they go
Set yourself, situate, like a fool try again
There's no one around you can remember being good, for you
so

(chorus 2)
Shame, shouldn't try you, couldn't step by you
And open up more
Shame, shame, shame
Shame, shouldn't try you, couldn't step by you
and open up more
Shame, shame, shame

We never thought we'd get so troubled
We could never think that much
It should never get this bad

So let the wind blow ya, across a big floor
But there's no one around who can tell us what we're here for
Funny in a certain light, how we all look the same
And there's no one in life you can remember ever stood,
for you, so

(chorus 2)
---^---^---^---^---^---^---^---

As I said, bugger me. Fear is our only inhibitor. Fear stops us from doing things we /damn/well/wanted/to/fricking/DO!

And all the flipping time, I said I wasn't afraid of dieing! And I am! I am so, so, so scared! I'm so scared that it has my hiding in the corners, trembling and pushing back on the closing darkness! HIding from the INEVITABLE! Because we're all going to die. Whether it's in a car, because some drunk bastard plows into you, or because of a cancer that eats away at your FUTURE.

And I told him I wasn't afraid of death. I argued with him, like I always did. "How can you be so silly?" said I. "How can you fear death? It's so simple and easy". And then I LOST his friendship because I was too afraid to die. Too afraid to take a chance when my stomach said no. Too afraid to trust him.

And yeah.. I have a heart. I have a damn good heart. That's not going anywhere because I never learned to share. And NOBODY is ever, ever getting a piece of it.. "All for me, none for you", Angelica might say. I need my heart. I need it more than anyone else. And to the victor go the spoils. If you want this, you'll have to fight me for it. And trust me, it's not worth the trouble.

Sorry this doesn't make any sense.. I'm spread thinner than possible right now, and this is just a little rip in the surface as I begin to tear apart. Just you wait.. It'll all come out in the wash. And maybe, by the end, I can do it all over. And Cameron would never die, and my parents wouldn't impress this fear into me, and I'd be free to take risks and die happy. Instead of death before life. Dying before I've lived, at all.

Yes, yes, I'm updating again. Angelica's been hounding me. She wishes to be mentioned - and here it is. I wouldn't update if it weren't for her. So you can chase her down with pitchforks, etc.

Right, so what's been happening...
We-ell, only three weeks of school left - They drag on forever. School's speeding up, etc, so I have a mammoth amount of homework to hand in. Pity I haven't done it.. ;)

And I got a solo in choir! *beam* The opening of One Day More, from Les Mis. I sang Cosette's part, a duet with Guppie. Beth sang Eponine's part (I swore I wouldn't sing on stage without her) and CJ was Val Jean. I was /so/ scared beforehand and kept losing my note - ask any choir member, I was freaking out. I had to hold Olga's hand on stage, and we shared a quiet prayer before I walked down the risers.. up to the microphone.. CJ sang, then I opened my mouth and my voice came out! Not shaking, not cracking, perfect! Usually, when I have to sing on stage, my leg starts twitching and I fall over. It's terrible. Y'know? Anyway, that all worked out, I was grinning like a fool, and...

I decided not to quit choir.

I mean, I'm finally getting somewhere.. I think I've earned Weiler's appreciation and respect. It's about bloody time. Mr Fremuth isn't exactly pleased that I'll have a 7-class load in Junior year, but oh well.. he's going to make me drop it as a senior. Over my cold, stiff, rotting corpse! But I'll settle that later.. Mwahaha.

Hmm.. what else? I'm dying to go to the movies. I want to see "A Knight's Tale", "Evolution", "Planet of the Apes" and "Pearl Harbor". So I should prolly start saving.

Moving on.. Oh yes, Driver's Ed. I can't remember if I've written anything about this.. so I'll say it over! *beam*

I'm taking DEd with Ange and Lois. We have.. the biggest class of snots.. in the ENTIRE world. The two girls in the front row? COMPLETE airheads. It's amazing they don't just float away. They whisper and pass notes for the entire class. Ack. Then there's this girl who talks. Talks like there's NO tomorrow (which isn't such a terrible concept..) Then Mr Brookenthal, our teacher. All I have to say is: "And so much for that".

Then there's my actual driving instructor. Well, I've had two so far. Mr. Flint.. learned his life story already. Did you know, and listen, cos this is amazing, that he's been through college 6 times, has a grandaughter named Grace, was in the airforce, is the only AF teacher in this area, wanted to teach but was drafted, lives up north and drives miles every morning, is loved by his grandkids, grows trees to sell to landscapers, and a million other things..

The other one is Mr. Weiner. The Hitler of Alert Driving. "Mr. Flint's been soft on you, hasn't he? Too busy talking to teach you how to drive? If this were the Road Test you would've failed by now. We're gonna teach you to drive properly!" Crack that whip... *whimper*. I suck at driving.. Weiner's car drifts really badly, Flint's doesn't. Weiner lets you drive, Flint doesn't. Each has their pros and cons.

Hmm.. what else.. Little things.

- Debbie's basement haunts me now! Even when it's quiet, it's still noisy. I can hear all the noises I've ever heard down there, and there are faces in the shadows. When I walk down there.. I expect Mark to suddenly jump out from behind the door and hurl the little stuffed footballs at me, or crawl out of the little plastic cubby house. I expect Elly to come zooming down the hall on Collin's scooter, or Carla to be standing there with the foam cowboy hat perched on her head. That basement has too many memories already, and when I walk down there, my heart quickens. And it's fear.. I can't figure out why.

- I don't know where it started, but I had something from Amanda's Forensics piece in my profile. It had been there for weeks. Next thing I know, her screenname pops up. It's Joe. I never should have answered.. but he starts bitching at me about how it's not nice to laugh about it, how it "probably upsets" Amanda. I tried to be mature, saying that if it bothered Amanda then she could speak to me about it, but noooo.. I ended up signing off, and yes, it's gone from my profile. I am so sick of him bothering me! I wish Amanda would just /tell/me/ if something bothers her, and not make me have to hear it from Joe. Because, frankly, I can't stand it!

Anyways, better run. Stuff to do, etc. I'll upload this, and I think I'll mess with the colors some. Tell me what y'think!

Sometimes.. I just get /tired/. I just get sick of trying and failing, trying and failing at EVERYTHING. So sick of attempting to do something that I think should be easy, and once again.. receiving a failing mark, a rejection, something else to discourage me. It gets so hard to keep your hopes up when you have no reason to. Sometimes, I think it would be better if I just.. stopped trying. Stopped trying to make my life what I want it to be and just let it all go. Like being in a kayak in whitewater rapids and deciding it's too hard to try and steer.. to just let myself fly off the edge of the waterfall. And no, I won't tell my parents about all the bad grades I get. Because then I lose things I like. And I'd rather have those things than help my grades, frankly, because I just don't care anymore. I'm too tired.

I have terrible cramps.. I never get cramps. My period was a whole week late - a whole week of being paranoid, expecting it to show up in the middle of a class or something equally as embarrassing..

You know what makes me mad? All that shit about not being able to find another date, and now he has one.. all of this nonsense and hatred and unhappiness for fuck all.

At least we have Friday off school.. it's the middle of Chem and I'm almost crying. I don't know what to do anymore! I just.. have no idea. I've never been like this, never gotten such terrible grades.. nothing.

And when nobody helps you.. ugh. I just want to cry and cry.. until I can't possible care anymore. I want.

I'm trying out for a solo tonight. It's horrible when you already know who'll get it, yet still feel compelled to try.. and fail. Try and fail. Something occured to me last night - I wonder what would happen if I became anorexic. I wonder who would care, and what would happen. Maybe I could succeed at losing weight. Can't fail that, all you have to do is stop eating. Maybe it feels better and doesn't hurt as much.

It's really cold up here.. I'm shivering. In French I was burning up, it was so hot in the room. In History today, we had to compare our calorie counts. One guy had over 4000 calories. Isn't that gross? I had 1020, pretty close to what the other girls in my class had. All the guys had over 2000.

I started driving... possibly another thing for me to fail at. The guy is mean.. I guess he expects me to know how to drive, even though I had never, ever driven before. I'd never even fully sat in the drivers seat - I mean, what the hell? How am I supposed to know? When I got in the car, I said "I've never driven before". His response? "Oh, so now you tell me". Jackass. What the hell crawled up his butt and died? I heard his life story as I was driving. Snore. And he makes me put my elbow on the console - My arms aren't that long! Every time I moved it off the console, he grabbed it and put it on again. He ticks me off.

Songs I really like right now:
Bad Habit - The Offspring
American Psycho - Treble Chargers
Big Girl - Angela Ammons
Jaded - Aerosmith?

I'm a big girl.. I'm a very good girl.. and you don't have to worry about me this time, trust me I'll be fine..

It's how I feel right now, around my parents. I just wish they'd go away half the time.

Hey yeah, did you ever think of letting go, and hey, yeah, before I lose my mind?

Now I know how far you'd go, to be the next freak show, American Psycho, cover of the magazines, patron saint to troubled teens, wish I never knew your name...

Ja-ded, and I'm the one who jaded you..

I miss Australia terribly. Everything was so much nicer there, I was so happy.. so much happier than I am here. I just want to go home. I just want to get off the plane at Sydney airport and feel the blast of warm air hit my face, the smell of seawater, clear skies, the smell of all the trees and plants, all the people, the happiness I feel when I know I finally belong. Compared to here.. stepping off the plane, bundled in a winter jacket, looking at strange face who don't know or care about me, the smell of smog, car tires, burned rubber, the homeless people, cigarette smoke, the cacophonous noise. Studying instead of taking rides on the harbor, and feeling the cool water spray up.. Staying indoors instead of walking with Kath, learning from her knowledge of all the edible plants on our route, chewing lemongrass and eating the sourplums, honeysuckle, stopping in Eaglemont to buy Timtams. The feel of the sun warming my back.. here, the feel of stares on my back. Even if people aren't looking, I feel their eyes.

I am so tired.. somebody, put me to sleep.

Lookie.. someone hates me! That gives me a really warm, fuzzy feeling, y'know? Today I was sent this email, from alias "Hottie":

"bex,"

lately, i've been reading that journal you keep and have come to the conclusion that you seem to be a huge bitch to other people sure, it seems like the people who you never say their names but always hint towards are mean to you too, but sereously now! and this guy who keeps blocking you - if you don't want to talk to him, I don't see why it would matter at all and your teachers who put the bad comments about you on your report card, you should just tell them I really doubt they read your journal, so chances are they arent gonna know what youre thinking - stop being a wimp and tell them flat out and two more things: are you that lazy that instead of italicising words you have to put slashes /next/ to them? come on, it's really aggrevating and it doesnt take much more time to hit the I last but not least, you are not as funny as you must think you seem to be, because there are too many bits in your journal that are just so completely stupid, pointless, uterly NOT-FUNNY or AMUSING - like the pillow deal and where you sleep with it? who cares Im suprised you have the friends that you do with the attitude Ive only read about so far, which seems bad Im just telling you my honest opinion, I dont expect a reply actually I dont want one



_________________

v^v^Andrew^v^v

Fun, huh? In general.. why read it if you don't like it? This is my /journal/. I publish it for people to read /if/they/want/. Oh, and there isn't an I key. If I want italics, I have to use HTML. Which is actually an extra 7 characters that, yes, frankly I'm too lazy to type. But yes, in response to most of your arguments, I'll write about what I want because a) it's my journal and b) yes, one or two people actually do find me amusing and enjoy reading this, hence why I update. So why dontcha just pull your head outta your ass.. there we go.. and we can start over? Oh, and I don't appreciate the way you put my name in quotation marks. It's Bex, okay? No need for sarcasm, sweetie. Oh, one more thing - You claim that I'm too lazy to press the (nonexistant) I key, yet you leave out a rather vital one - It's called a period, doll-face. It's a rather vital form of punctuation, much more important that italicizing.

So! Now that's out of the way.. Finished my history paper, though it sucks. Had a discussion with Jen about exactly /what/ is supposed to go in the conclusion, so if you know, please say!

Going to Washington D.C tomorrow, so hopefully I'll be able to take some good pictures to send to Kath, who is, right now, holed up in a hopsital having her knee operated on - a moment of silence for her, please.

Hmm, what else.. Oh, the Chem lab. I have to work on that.. I need my chem grad to come up this goal or I'm.. uh.. screwed. Yep.

Oh, anyone who disagrees with.. what was it.. Hottie? IM me - I have something for you.. *innocent whistle*

Write again later!

I am in a shitty mood. Everything is kinda falling apart. Guess it's just one of those days when everything goes wrong, and the good things just piss you off 'cos they're too forced. If that makes any sense.

I'm so angry! I could just.. sit down and cry, because I don't know what else to do right now. I know I have to pick up my grades if I want to do any good in my life, but I don't care anymore! I couldn't care less if I ended up as some bum on the streets, because right now it's sounding highly appealing. Better than this hell.

I need Kath to come over.. that's what I need. A good fix of that Brazenor insanity'll get me rolling again.

Don't think someone will be bothering me for a while. It's time I put him in his place. I have enough hassles without him pissing me off with his insincerity and creepy, stalkerish habits. As I said to Diana on the matter of ghosts and the supernatural: "I have too many issues with material bothers to worry about ones I can't see." And that's my lil' pearl of wisdom for today.

I have a splitting headache.. just shoot me now, let the blood spill forth upon the earth in swirls of mahoghany beauty, seep into the cracks and furrows and be lost forever, only to be a whisper in the wind or a song, caught on the edge of a memory. <--- Harper's Tale-ish me.

Yes.. I like this song. "Shoulda Been A Cowboy" by Toby Keith. Can't seem to find the lyrics.. ugh. I know them, but I'm too lazy to type 'em all out.

And I also like the new Trane song, "Drops Of Jupiter":

Now that she's back in the atmosphere
With drops of Jupiter in her hair, hey, hey
She acts like summer and walks like rain
Reminds me that there's time to change, hey, hey
Since the return from her stay on the moon
She listens like spring and she talks like June, hey, hey

Tell me did you sail across the sun
Did you make it to the Milky Way to see the lights all faded
And that heaven is overrated

Tell me, did you fall for a shooting star
One without a permanent scar
And did you miss me while you were looking at yourself out there

Now that she's back from that soul vacation
Tracing her way through the constellation, hey, hey
She checks out Mozart while she does tae-bo
Reminds me that there's time to grow, hey, hey

Now that she's back in the atmosphere
I'm afraid that she might think of me as plain ol' Jane
Told a story about a man who is too afraid to fly so he never did land

Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back to the Milky Way
And tell me, did Venus blow your mind
Was it everything you wanted to find
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there

Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken
Your best friend always sticking up for you even when I know you're wrong
Can you imagine no first dance, freeze dried romance five-hour phone conversation
The best soy latte that you ever had . . . and me

Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back toward the Milky Way

Just.. pretty. Mysterious. Mum promised to buy me a dress even though I have no dances to go to. Good. All I want is the dress.


'Cos baby, the way you burned me, I should be ashes by now.. D'you hear me?! You're an egotistical asshole and I have armies on my size, and I hateyouhateyouhateyouhateyou! I will destroy you, if you don't do the job yourself. Ahem. That was my bit of angst for today. Don't y' just hate the bastards?

Ahh, I'm looking forward to going up north. I'll be working out from not till 4th July, so hopefully I'll look good in my new swimsuit.. :P Mwahaha. I hope Barb brings up her friends, otherwise I'll have nobody to impress. Damn.

Eh, I'm leavin'. Hopefully Di'll sleep here tonight and save me from the depths of despair. Fun!

Cya 'round.. some rounder than others... Snicker.

My latest favorite:
Flavor Of The Week by American Hi-Fi

At first I thought it had nothing to do with me in any way, but then I started singing it 24/7 and it made sense... The lyrics:

She paints her nails
And she don't know
He's got her best friend on the phone
She'll wash her her
His dirty clothes are all he gives to her
And he's got posters on the wall
Of all the girls he wish she was
And he means everything to her

Her boyfriend
He don't know
Anything about her
He's too stoned
Nintendo
I wish that I could make her see
She's just the flavor of the week

It's friday night
She's all alone
He's a million miles away
And she's dressed to kill
The TV's on
He's connected to the sound
And he's got pictures on the wall
Of all the girls he's loved before
And she knows all his favortie songs

Her boyfriend
He don't know
Anything about her
He's too stoned
Nintendo
I wish that I could make her see
She's just the flavor of the week

Her boyfriend
He don't know
Anything about her
He's too stoned
He's too sonted
He's too stoned
He's too stoned

Her boyfriend
He don't know
Anything about her, needs
Too stoned
Nintendo
I wish that I could make her see
She's just the flavor of the week
Yeah she's just the flavor of the week
She makes me weak

What happens when you lose the person you used to confide in, and even if they did talk to you, you can't say what you want to say anyway?

If the lump in my throat gets any bigger, will I stop breathing and die a merciful death?

What happens if you cry so much over one thing, your tears give it life and it comes back.. better than before?

I turned to you
When nights were cold and lonely
I always took your presence
For granted
Now here.. alone again, I cry dry tears
And can't believe I threw it all away

I looked to you
When life was on a downhill run
I always took your words of
Advice to heart
Now here.. alone again, my hands shake, cold
And I can't believe you'd throw it all away

What did I do
To hurt you
Denied requests, did what was best
I knew
I'd hurt you
As it's always been
And will be once again..

100 Ways to Order a Pizza the fun way!

1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask person taking the order to stop doing that.

2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.

3. Use CB lingo where applicable.

4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.

5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."

6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.

7. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.

8. Answer their questions with questions.

9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition, ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.

10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT SYSTEM.

11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.

12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD.

13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.

14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."

15. Stutter on the letter "p."

16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)

17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.

18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.

19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.

20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If asked "Would you like drinks with that?", panic and become disoriented.

21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.

22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.

23. Change your accent every three seconds.

24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.

25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"

26. Start your order with "I'd like. . . ". A little later, slap yourself and say "No, I don't."

27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."

28. Rent a pizza.

29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.

30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.

31. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.

32. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."

33. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"

34. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.

35. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.

36. Imitate the order taker's voice.

37. Eliminate verbs from your speech.

38. When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."

39. Play a sitar in the background.

40. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.

41. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.

42. Ask to see a menu.

43. Quote Carl Sandberg.

44. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.

45. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.

46. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.

47. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.

48. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.

49. Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!"

50. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?"

51. Psychoanalyze the order taker.

52. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.

53. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."

54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.

55. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.

56. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired.

57. Report a petty theft to the order taker.

58. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."

59. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.

60. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."

61. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.

62. Try to talk while drinking something.

63. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!"

64. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.

65. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.

66. Be vague in your order.

67. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."

68. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.

69. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.

70. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."

71. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.

72. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.

73. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.

74. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.

75. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.

76. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.

77. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.

78. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.

79. Put them on hold.

80. Teach the order taker a scret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.

81. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."

82. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.

83. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"

84. When you'ge given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."

85. Haggle.

86. Order a one-inch pizza.

87. Order term life insurance.

88. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"

89. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.

90. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.

91. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.

92. Engage in some serious swapping.

93. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."

94. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.

95. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.

96. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.

97. Order a steamed pizza.

98. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.

99. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.

If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, 100. Say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."

*names changed to protect my secret identity*
---------------------

Me: Hello

AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T...

Me: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T...

Me: This is AT&T?

AT&T: Yes This is AT&T...

Me: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron please?

Me: May I ask who is calling?

AT&T: This is AT&T.

Me: OK, hold on.

At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my
surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.

Me: Hello?

AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?

Me: May I ask who is calling please?

AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...

Me: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...

Me: The phone company?

AT&T: Yes sir.

Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.

AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company.

Me: I already have a phone.

AT&T: We aren't selling phones today Mr. Byron. We would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?

AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes, Sir, that's right! 24 hours a day!

Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?

AT&T: That's right.

Me: 365 days a year?

AT&T: Yes sir.

Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing!

AT&T: We think so!

Me: That's quite a sum of money!

AT&T: Yes sir, it's amazing how it adds up.

Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?

AT&T: Excuse me?

Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.

AT&T: What are you talking about?

Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1,008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.

AT&T: Oh no, sir, I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay US 10 cents a minute.

Me: Wait a minute, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute, that I'll give YOU 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of
subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the Enquirer, you know.

AT&T: No, Sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for...

Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please!

AT&T: Sir, I don't think that is necessary.

Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!

AT&T: Yes, Mr. Byron. Please hold.

At this point I begin trying to finish my dinner.

Supervisor: Mr. Byron?

Me: Yeth?

Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.

Me: Is thist a Teeth & Teeth?

Supervisor: Yes, Sir, it sure is.

I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.

Me: No, actually, I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.

Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.

Me: Thank you.

I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.

AT&T: Hello Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan?

Me: No, but I was wondering -- do you have that "friends and family" thing? Because you can never have enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little brother...

AT & T: Click