Apr. 19th, 2001

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All the wolves, all the lies
The false hopes, the goodbyes
The reverses...

Can't we all just live our lives,
With our children and our wives,
Till that happier day arrives,
How can you ignore
All the witches..
All the giants..
No.. more...

What a mother of a day... nothing worked out. I am so stressed I just break into tears at a thought. I just did it then. I spent half an hour wandering in the woods, crying and stumbling because I couldn't see where I was going. That's right, people never think of who's left behind in the end! And there's only so many deep breaths you can take before the tears spill over and all the memories come flooding back, and there's one thing you want that everyone else seems to have, but you just can't.. and every little sorrow leads to something.. another pain, completely unrelated, and you start crying again, simply.. because it makes you feel better.

Like vinegar on open wounds.. everything hurts over again. Every time! "What was your first big decision? Your first boyfriend or girlfriend? Too many to pick from?" And to look at all the grinning faces, the blushes, the smug expressions that taunt me and point out everything I lack. And then I see guys treating guys like shit.. and the reverse, and I wonder what's wrong with me? Could I do no better job? What makes HER better than ME? Why is it that there's one person for everyone but mine.. isn't here? Mine was slaughtered in a train wreck, hit by a drunk driver, moved to another school.. anything. And we're all so lost without them. And nobody understands.

"I'll lend you
For a little while
A child of mine"
He said..

The opening to a poem we were given when Cam died. For the ones who were left behind.


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May 2001

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