bextraordinary

ASHLEY CAN COME TO SOLO/ENSEMBLE!

*screams and carries on*

Goodbye, Eaaaarl...

Woohoo... Choir Districts tomorrow, so I only have two classes. Which, by all unholy curses, I happen to have a test in. But at least we get to watch the green-tinted nakedness movie in French. Indeed.

Oh, and I have to get the Miss Congeniality soundtrack...
"You're one in a million, you're once in a lifetime, you helped me discover why there are stars above us.."

and

"Well she's all you'd ever want,
She's the kind I'd like to flaunt
And take to dinner
She always knows her place
She's got style
She's got grace
She's a winner"

Look, someone wrote a song about me.. *waits for laughter* Oh.. guess that wasn't funny.

Anyway.. I have nothing to say, heh. Had a very boring day, read a funny conversation (Yeah Ange!), moved through classes like a marble through Jell-O.

Speaking of Jell-O, I found this online. It's also in Wood's profile:

"There are easier things in life than finding a good man.. nailing jell-O to a tree, for instance.."

And I totally agree. Although my grandma called and I had a good old bitch, informing her that I had several irons in the fire. She called me a slut. I'm so proud.

Disclaimer: My grandma and I are on the same wavelength. It's amusing that we talk to each other this way.. heh. Don't be shocked.

And so on.. lessee... erm.. Hi? :) People asked me to update this so.. I did.. against my wishes! I told Mr. Fremuth he looked suave today.. *maniacal laughter* And Cristina was in my group for English, so I let her do all the work.. speaking of Cristina, Christina, Beth and I are auditioning another Alto for the quartet, seeing Ash can't come. So, if you sing Alto, are in the choir, and go to CD, come see us!

K, I'm gonna run. Ciao, baby!

Hehe.. Angelica and I just bitched about our three most hated people. Hurrah. And hey, it's my journal. I can swear if I want to. You have a problem, don't read it.

And.. such. Ange wanted me to update but I really have nothing to say, heh. I had two tests today, and gave a speech. I'm pretty tired. Turns out Ash can't come to S/E, so now we're not sure what to do... eh. Dinner, finish this later.

Righty-oh then... *cracks her knuckles* So.. found out some funny stuff today. Mean, but funny. Snapped at a few people because I was fed up with their crap. Had fun in choir, although got in trouble when it wasn't me being bad. Damn.

Lunch was good...

Had a math test, french test, verbal footnoting speech... and so on. Got 23/25 on my biblio, which was good.. Ehe..

*runs away*

Woohoo! What a day.. let me recap..

I woke at 9.. rolling around on the floor. I've been sleeping there lately because I've outgrown my bed. Ai. Sunlight was streaming through the window and I thought "Oh, holy mother, I've overslept". So I jumped out of bed and took a running leap at my watch, only to realise that I had almost 4 hours until Angelica was picking me up.

Now reassured, I slipped into the shower to play with my moldable, orange bath foam. While dancing to the radio, I was tossing it around until... SPLAT. It hit the ceiling. And stayed there. So I danced some more, almost killing myself as I nearly slipped. Multiple times. I washed my hair thrice before crawling out, looking like a prune. I dressed and blowdried my hair before settling at my computer and listening to a few musical selections.

Diana arrived, then Angelica came and drove us to Somerset. We beelined for the foodcourt and settled down with our lunch. I spotted Mark, but when I looked back he'd disappeared. He later turned up with Di, so that was alright. After eating, we headed up to the Hudson's end and trawled our way back, cackling, etc.

Anyway, fun was had by me, at least. Dunno about all.

I was talking with Amanda about love and Love, the latter of which I am highly afraid. My analogy is this: Once you're in Love, it's like being tied to him with a rope that's been lit on fire. If you stay together, both of you will be burned. If one escapes, the other is left tied to the fire. Lovely. To be avoided at all costs.

Anyway, now I'm watching Futurama! Joy! And making graphs for chem.. ugh. Exactly /which/ one is due tomorrow?! Two labs.. not sure which is due. Oh well.

Yours in dangerous cheesiness.

Angelica yelled at me for not updating this. I didn't think people actually READ it! Okay, recap of the last month.

Lent started, and Wood gave up candy. I thought i might give something up and, as III was pissing me off with his relations with Wood, I decided to give him up! Therefore, I didn't answer any of his IMs, etc. Yes I was stupid, I don't need that pointed out. People yelled at me, and I considered talking to him again.. but, out of sight, out of mind. That, and he'd blocked me. It hurt to talk to him, it hurt to heard Wood go on and on about him, so I shut them out of my life.

I grew more and more miserable, and my parents asked me what was wrong. It hurt to talk about, so I shut them out, too. I refused to let them see me eat, and resorted to spiriting food from the kitchen to eat in my room. Eventually my parents took me to the mall, sat me in a restaurant, and forced me to talk. Everything came out, about how lonely I was, how much I hate people. So I started to let people back into my life.

Then things took a turn for the worse again. Wood admitted she liked III, and for all I try to act like I'm over him, I snapped. I screamed at her one night, blaming her for being so naive and for trying to take him from me. Then, of course, he IMs me to say hi and to ask what's wrong. I lie and say nothing, that everything's fine... Then he said that I could IM him when I wanted to talk, and "if it's worth anything, I was considering asking you to my prom in May, but now I don't know..".

For a moment, I just stared at the screen. Why? Why did he do that? Why does he do anything? I felt terrible, and I started to apologize.. I don't know what's happening now. I talk to Wood, but things are uneasy. I talk to him, but we avoid the topic.

What else has been happening...? I won a box of Swedish Fish! I found a leprechaun in the drink machine at school, making my total contests won equal to 1. Hehe.

Still quiet on the western front where romance is concerned.

I went and saw the opening night of the school play, "The Good Doctor". HILARIOUS! Dev, once again, worked his magic on stage the way no other can, and the duet between Quinton and Brooke brought tears to my eyes! Diarra was fantastic in both her scenes, and Beth brought a new facet to the part I wanted so badly. Rafi, you were right, the voice you do is hilarious! "Aha, I do.. tingle all the time". *cackles*

Anyway, tomorrow I'm off to the mall with Di and Ange, to drive the shopkeepers WILD. Rrrrowl!

Bye!

Sometimes I run. I run until I can’t feel it anymore, until the rhythm of my bare feet on the cold concrete becomes the rhythm of my scarred heart in my aching chest. Sometimes I want to lie down and cry until I can’t cry anymore, until the rivers of tears blend into oceans, into seas, into a deluge of feelings that I can’t control. Other times, I scream. I dunk my head under the water and scream until a thorn rips through my throat and I can’t scream anymore.
Then I fall. I fall hard, and fast, and my emotion has no safety catch. The backlash from the years of torture and shredded hope comes back and slaps me across the face. The consequence of my actions from years passed magnifies and forms a huge, expanding ripple effect that rocks the boat of life. All the images that jump from magazines and TV screens that try to brainwash young adults into thinking that love equals peace and happiness, that love functions as an escape from the darkness of the world.
Over the last two years, I can say that I have learned my lesson. I learned that if I didn’t have friends, I wouldn’t have anything. I wouldn’t exist anymore. Every time I border on the line of insanity, every time I collapse in fits of crying, I can count on my friends. They never make me feel like I have to expose myself to them. They just listen to what I have to say and try to help me. They don’t probe for more details for their own knowledge; they take only what they need to understand.
I‘ll never forget the time that I needed my friends the most. A while ago I worried that I had bipolar disorder: my moods would swing from one extreme to the other and I thought about death a lot. My life was out of control and I often appeared to suffer from a teenage schizophrenia. I lost myself in daydreams and could change from one person to another in a matter of seconds. Now, don’t worry, hormones took the blame (of course), but it had me very scared and my friends had no idea how to help me. They didn’t realize that just being there helped me through one of the toughest periods of my life. Without their quiet, unobtrusive input, I would go insane. Because of their own experiences with this stage of life, they can offer advice to help improve my life, in hope that one day I will use their advice to help someone else.
I know that we’ve had confrontations. We’ve lived through a lot together in the short years that I’ve lived here and every moment is engraved in my memory forever. From screaming fights to mock battles, from troubled looks to bottled feelings, everything has always worked out for us. Through negotiation and compromise on everyone’s behalf, I feel that what doesn’t make us truly hate each other can only make us stronger, and I hope that they feel the same way. Although a thoughtless word can hurt more than the most lethal missile, my friends and I really think about things before we say them. Each one of us takes literature and language very seriously and we all know the power of words. We carefully monitor a person’s feelings before offering advice, in case, in their fragile state, advice from a voice of reason would only make things worse. By keeping a close watch on all the people whom I hold dear, I feel that I’m always ready to lend a helping hand.
So, in order to tie this seemingly senseless ramble together, I’d like to thank all my friends for just being there and being themselves. I know that if I fall into a recession and lapse back into my depressive side I can always count on them , the helping hands that reach out of the darkness and pull me to safety. I just want them to know that when they jump, I’ll catch them and when I snap, I expect them to come and visit the insane asylum. Best of all, when I’m happy, my friends share the happiness with me, and that symbolizes the truest love.
-/\-/\-/\-/\-
Moving on.. Today came close to one of the worst days of my life.. I NEVER cry in schoo, EVER, and today I did.

Did he think I wouldn't find OUT?! Did he think he could go on using me until I just wasted away? I'm dead.. I'm just emotionally dead right now. When Ellen told me, in Speech today, everything SHE knew.. I tried to look like I was fine, but when I got to Choir I broke down and started sobbing. And it continued through the day. I got home and Mum asked me what I did at school today, and I broke down again, but this time I wailed. She had to give me a Tylenol because I was making myself sick from crying so much.

I'm not so much angry as embarrassed. I let him USE me! I should've left the first time.. God, I feel like such a fool. And after I'd just told him all that stuff! I could cry again, now, just for the sake of my own pride. *sigh* I'm such a miserable failure..

But I don't blame Di.. I don't blame Ellen.. it had nothing to do with them. In fact, I love Ellen even more right now because she was a true friend, when I thought she betrayed me. She blocked him, she wanted nothing to do with his underhandedness. I never understood why she hated him so much and now I do. What a BASTARD..

So now I have this big thorn in my throat and it hurts.. it hurts a lot. And there's nothing I can do but sit this out.. again. Alone again. But for good this time.

Woohoo.. had to add s'more shtuff.. I was bored and the chocolate sauce is raiding my brain. Ahhhhh!

I've gone all girl-powery now and I'm listening to Get Another Boyfriend. Enough of that sissy love crap I was carrying on with before. We all know it's not really like that, right?

Dumdedumm.. K, Mark wants me to talk about him now. Wait.. he has to tell me what to write first... Waiting... waiting.. shyness is a curse, dear... Poophead. Well I'll talk about him anyway.. let's talk about up north.. It's about time the whole story got out anyways. Oh there.. he said to tell you all he's freaking hot. I disagree. Not hot, cute. But on with my story.

Lessee.. it was my first summer in America. I think.. Musta bin. K, and I dragged my friend Diana up north.. no, wait, this is boring. Well, it all resulted in Diana and I fighting over Mark, but she eventually settled for Larry cos she liked his hat. Go figure. It was a cool hat, I guess. Soooo...

I had not part in this! I was trying to drag her back.. but she walked downstairs and asked the guys if they wanted to go for a walk.. along the beach at sunset?! Was she INSANE?! K, so we went on this walk, up to the big rock at the end of the beach.. we made a big fuss about not climbing it, the guys tried to coax us up, we refused.. we walked back. This is all very romantic and such.

THEN, we had a big watergun fight. That was the guys' turn to be.. well.. guys. And I fell. Hard. I guess someone just comes along at the right time, you're in the right place, you're ready to like someone. For real.

A whole mess of stuff happened.. it was all confusing and I get things mixed up so I'm not going to post them here in case I'm wrong. But there was a big... thing.. and I acted like I didn't care. Teenagers do that, I learned. One day in 8th grade (completely unrelated to this) I just broke down in my English class.. I started bawling.. and my teacher said something interesting. He commented on how teenages can act like nothing is wrong until a simple word sets them off and all the walls fall down.. that happened to me.

I didn't talk to Mark for about 6 months.. I forgot, I guess. I hated him for a long time, then I just felt bad, then I.. forgot. *shrug* Here comes the interesting part.

Hah, we went up north again.. Mark was supposed to be in Spain. Or that's what I was told.. I was walking back from the Putt-Putt place with my icecream (Barb, Larry and I had gone to get them) when we meandered past Mark's house. Who the HELL do you think was in the driveway, washing the car?! I was SO shocked, I dropped my icecream, grabbed Barb, and we ran. I guess I wasn't ready to see him there. It was all a big fuss, really.. it was fine, after.. I spose. Apart from the gummi bear incident.. *blushes* I have to confess that that was ALL my idea.. I bet Barb she couldn't stick a gummi bear to Mark's face.. She took the bet.. *chuckles* She lost. It fell off.

But now he knows.. now you know.. lol, not big secrets. Just girly obsessions. And dropped icecreams.. it was a turtle sundae, too.. I'll get him back for that one. For not being in spain, that BUM!

Ola.. no exclamation mark, hehe..

So I have lots of homework to do.. I forget why I decided to upsate this. Just to get thoughts down so I remember to go over them later, I spose.. That helps me a lot, actually. If I don't write down everything I'm thinking right now, I'll go insane.. and, seeing my IM away message is up, people might look here and find an answer to their question.. :)

Starters.. Mark, I love the song, hehe. It brings back heaps of memories, I remember when it was popular in Aus. I like the part about the eyes and arms.. it's pretty. And I downloaded the other song I was talking to you about and I just figured out what it's about! Maybe that's why you said you don't like it.. oh well.

*sigh* I'm sitting here, staring blankly at my math assignment sheet and wishing it would burst into flames. I hate it... hate. it. so. much.

Feels like.. I'm standing in a timeless dream.. of lightness, of pale emeralds.. feels like.. I'm lost in a deep could of heavenly scent, touching, discovering you.. Those days..

Bah, I'm in A Mood. Not anything in particular, just.. A Mood. Feeling sappy, happy, depressed, romantic, hyper, dramatic.. everything at once. This is what it is, huh naalts? You were right allll along.. all of you. Amanda, Naalti, Di, EVERYONE, I'm sorry for not listening.. Will you help me now? Help me get out.. I don't like this anymore. It was fun.. until I lost control.

I'll add to this later.. I HAVE to do that work.. it helps bring me back to earth.
*smile*
Bye.

What a mother of a day... *rups her temples* Eesh.. Here's what happened..

- Di's a little late to pick me up, so while I'm waiting I go and give the dog some fresh water. They pull up while I'm doing that, so I don't have to time to grab money for lunch tomorrow. D'oh.

- I forgot my gym shoes and had to wear Daria's at VBall practice.. no problem, but her feet are two sizes smaller than mine.

- Had the second part of the chem test.. *flinches* Owie..

- I found out that people aren't as innocent as I thought they were.. a bunch of kids in my grade are involved in bad stuff... *sigh* Idiots.

- By the end of the day, I was SO pissed, and I had choir last. Wood, Hanks and Olga were being MORONS, and I don't care if they read this.. they deserved to get in so much trouble, but they're all Weiler's favorites so of course.. *grumbles* But I was in a pissy mood, so don't take my word for it.

- The mother of all pissies... Reports came.. *bitter grin* So now my 'rents are threatening to cut off the net. Fun. NOT. How will I ever talk to my friends? Especially the ones I don't see at school.. I mean, they're even more special-er.. Bah, tired, son't get on my case about grammar.. heh.

So now.. I downloaded a bunch of songs from Napster (African spirituals - High notes are good stress relief. Equivalent of screaming, but it's "art"!) and I'm sitting here screaming them at the top of my lungs, even though I have no voice left over from vball :)

Well, good stuff DID happen today, believe it or not. I got my laptop reimaged and it's SO much better now! I got to redecorate everything, which was fun.. heh heh. And volleyball.. well, we kicked ass! Di, Ashley, Wood, Keggy.... you guys rock! YAY!! We won!

Anyways.. if anyone wants to come to our volleyball tournament on Saturday, from 8:30am-2pm at DCDS, please come support us! We'd love to see you there, entry is only three bucks :) Have a heart.. we need you!

And that's all for me.. too tired to go on.. Will write again tomorrow!

Just checking if my changes will.. y'know.. change.. I'm going for the black and red deal here. Gargoyle-ish, I think.. y'know?